As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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