peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
