when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
