Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
