Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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