Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
