Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
