your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize