Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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