No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have aggressive nipples.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
