I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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