I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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