News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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