I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
