puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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