just come out here and I will go home with you...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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