I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
