god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
