Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
