what day is it and did you see me today?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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