Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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