At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
