she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
