Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
