I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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