i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
