you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize