Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
