Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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