remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
