the new term for farting is butt boxing.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
