your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
