This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
