I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
