but the lizard people decide everything anyway
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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