so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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