The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
