She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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