I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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