We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize