I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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