I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
