to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How external is "for external use only"?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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