i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize