Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
