Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
