She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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