Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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