ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
