I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
