oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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