Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
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