Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
