I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
