dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
