There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
