Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
