I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
