i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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