You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
