4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
