It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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