tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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