Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
