i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
