I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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