shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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