i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
