My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize