I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize
